Nico

Dear Nick,

I have been going through old photos.

I have been on such an incredible journey.

I have traveled to the time when I just didn't know.

I just didn't know how wonderful it would be to have a baby, but then I had you. And my life became about you.

I just didn't know that I would be a spirit-sister to a mother bear until I became a mother and I knew that I would do ANYTHING to protect you.

Baby Nico, 1985

I just didn't know that a day might come when I would call on the angels to be with you, the angels who once upon a time held you in their arms and who could now whisper in your ears.

Safe in Granddad's arms on your blessing day

Charming Great-Grandmother Bramwell

I just didn't know how much fun being a mother would be! I just didn't know how funny a baby could be!

8 months old

I just didn't know how beautiful it would be to see the connections between the generations.

With Grandma Ogden-Ladner and Granny Hoopes, June, 1986

I just didn't know how happy a baby could be, practically ALL the time! You were always smiling.

Summer, 1986

I just didn't know how FUN it would be to take you places and see the world through your eyes.

Hogle Zoo, August 1986

I just didn't know that buying a large teddy bear and naming him "Theo Bear" would be the beginning of years and years of children loving a big, old bear.

Loving Theo Bear
December, 1986

I just didn't know that my dad could get such a kick out of having grandchildren, even if he sometimes didn't quite know what to do! But somehow you knew.

With Grand-dad in Fairfield, CA
July, 1987

I just didn't know that my heart could feel like it was going to burst when I would look at you.

At Gramma's and Granddad's house in Fairfield, CA
July, 1987

I just didn't know that I could make room in my heart for other children, but I could and so did you.

Sitting on the front step with Samo
Richmond, Virginia Feb. 1988

I just didn't know that two brothers could love one another so very much and have such a wonderful time together every day.

On the front steps with Samo, again!
June, 1990

I just didn't know that you could grow up and take on the responsibility of older brother so well.

With Freddy in Virginia
November, 1990

I just didn't know how fascinating it would be to teach you about life and see how interested you would be in learning.

Nico and Sam excited to stand with Pocahontas
Jamestown, Virginia 1991

I just didn't know how much I would miss these days, these funny, goofy, sometimes out-of-control days.

Sam, Fred, and Nico
Three of the cutest boys who ever lived!
Richmond, March 1991

I just didn't know how quickly life would change and how big the challenges would become.

Sharing your baptism with Jacob's blessing
Fred, Dad, Jacob, you, Grand-dad and Sam
Ft. Irwin, California Oct. 1993

I just didn't know that you would really grow up and have your own opinions and kind of start to not need me so much anymore.

Snowbird
June, 1999

I just didn't know how pleasant a teen-ager could be, contrary to what others tried to tell me.

At the Garden of the Gods with Abbie
Colorado Springs, August 2002

I just didn't know how much my heart could swell up with love and gratitude for such a son.

18th Birthday!

I just didn't know that every thing, little or big, that we did as we tried to teach and prepare you for life would matter some day in a very big way.

Roosevelt 2nd Ward youth in front of the Nauvoo Temple
June, 2004

I just didn't know that you could be so funny!

Telling the Ping-Pong ball story on the LOOOOOONG bus ride home from Nauvoo

I just didn't know that there would be times in your life when you would feel alone and more than anything I wanted you to know you weren't and that you have a family who loves you dearly.

Family birthday (20th anniversary) trip to Catalina Island
October, 2004

I just didn't know that even with my mother-bear claws out, there would be times when there was nothing I could do and I just had to trust you to find your own way.

Trip to France with Sam and Dad
September, 2005

Now I know all these things. You are the child who taught me. We have been learning together as each year passes. I think I'm getting better at some of this mother business. Sorry I've had to bumble-learn on you for some of it.

This is what I want you to remember: It's all good.

It really doesn't matter what has been or should be or coulda been. It is what it is and: it's all good.

Really.

You are my joy. You are my son-shine.

I just didn't know that I could love you so much.

But I can.

Happy Birthday to both of us.
xoxoxo Mom